And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
