She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
