Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
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Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
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dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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