oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
There r osticjed everywhere
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
