I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
