happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
