I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
