I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
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