she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
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My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
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When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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