FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
