He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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