You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
