Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
