I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
