You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
