I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
