I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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