I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
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