I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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