mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
