He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
i dont even know how to be here
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Randomize
