We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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