He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Randomize
