So gin and wine won't be happening again
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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