My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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