So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
