The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
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He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
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