I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
