And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
