My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
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