my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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