turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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