my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Randomize
