got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
it's great music for shaving your balls
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
