Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
