I'm lost and stupid without you.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
