Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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