Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
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you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
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AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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