So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
