He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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