Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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