Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
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I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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