The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I think my moral compass just broke
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
