You really coming over, don't trick.
I just threw up on my dentist
I feel like abortions should bother me more
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
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