Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
