my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
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