We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
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listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
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I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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