I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
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