not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
