Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
