I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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