Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
