I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
cat food counts as protein by the way
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
