I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
