dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
My butt remains clenched, sir.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
