Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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