I don't usually arrange sex via text message
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
