well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
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